i have tried to cry for days, just feeling that grief is the right feeling to feel
emotive songs have helped me choke up for protracted moments, but again and again the feelings pass and my mind clears
i wonder why i am not more ground down by this–why i am not despondent, depressed, and devoid of aspiration
i believe that the serenity i feel is rooted in the fact that this is a transition of a relationship, not a severed connection
it strikes me as unfortunate that we learn to see break-ups as tragedies, or perhaps as victories for the one who leaves first
i deeply believe that the powers of connection and communication that this partnership has inspired will continue to deepen their roots and produce entrancing flowers of spiritual gestation
i have learned that i can be loved wholeheartedly–that i can find true intimacy where i had come to focus on highly addictive layers of intensity
part of me thinks back with regret, wishing i had learned my lessons about the many faces of the disease of addiction much earlier
but things happened as they did, and my higher power moored me to the beginnings of sanity at just the right moment
we have shared so much of our lives and our souls
i have come to believe that this relationship enabled each of us to grow
sometimes through a painful reckoning with acute harm i caused, and a precipitous erosion of trust and feelings of betrayal that were thus engendered
i move on with an open and loving heart
believing fiercely that there will be lovers and partners who can conspire to grow and evolve with me
i refuse to let my fierce muscle of trust atrophy and to recede into isolation
my personal circle is smaller today than it was six months ago
but small can be beautiful, and i am striving to see the fractals of social transformation in all of the arenas of my life
may the power of opening our hearts to love fuel a karmic fire deep within us
may the magic of the pixie continue to inspire the sacred flight of the phoenix
the first image is a photo of the movement pixie taken by mandy lee
–BYPO PHOENIX c)2020
