PERDIDO

I feel alone–so painfully alone…

Lost in a fog of fear, profound remorse, and omnipresent anxiety…

My mind has been locked in a vicious cycle of FIGHT, FLIGHT, or FREEZE–a cycle only broken by cathartic tears of pain…

I have been confronted in retrograde by a new landscape of harm–this both tortures my conscience and paralyzes me…

I don’t know how the cycle ends and that leaves me feeling drained and hopeless

My will to live hasn’t felt this lacerated since i jumped off of key bridge six years ago…

I know I can resist the urge to do harm and self-destruct–but this is hard and I struggle…

In a few hours, later this morning, I will read the case against me…

My intentions are to approach this honestly, introspectively, and transparently…

In recovery, we say that if we are not humble we will be humiliated…

This resonates with me…

Cerebral and instinctual analysis tells me that I have suffered from overblown ego and from streaks of manipulative behavior…

I’m finally free of unprescribed substances–aka drugs–and sustaining that feels like a major part of the work I am called to do…

But for now I am still trapped in a place of suffering…

And I have decided not to numb the pain…

This is hard–there is a knife lost in my gut and i can’t get it out…

second image is by Slava Mogutin >> on IG @slavamogutin

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2020