CLEAN DATE: a bypo journal

February 26th

Is just a date

A marker in time

An outpost amidst psychic wildlings


For me it is my clean date

Today—my two year anniversary

Two years without drugs, including alcohol

Two years of recovery

Two years of spiritual growth


The valence of my mental oscillations is manageable

I am more stable and connected than I have been in decades


I want to celebrate

For this is a marker of which I am proud


But I also want to be honest

Honest about where I am

Honest about where I need to grow


Without recovery

So much of what is positive in my life

Would have been stillborn


I could have remained trapped

Locked in webs of delusion

Continuing to cause harm in my communities

Chained to compulsion and self-absorption


But I am two years clean

And I work to deepen my practice of radical honesty

To shed insecure performative habits


To free my psyche

From the nagging cries

Of a demanding inconsolable inner child


I have changed my patterns

Correcting destructive tendencies

Attempting to atone, apologize, and make amends


I have found so much beauty on this path


The empathy and emotional generosity

From fellow recovering addicts


Rooted but flexible spiritual principles

Principles I can live within

Principles whose parameters I can apply


I have found sacred community

A community of unconditional love

Mirroring and amplifying my blood family

In intentionality and penetrating insight


So this is my clean date

Exactly one week after my father’s birthday

Exactly two weeks after my parents’ anniversary

I pray that my date can be as fixed as these others


I continue to believe that my god is in the noticing

My higher power speaks

In simple moments of natural brilliance

Suggesting direction through voices I trust

And often through voices I resist


I am humbled by this process

Grateful to my higher power

And in debt to so many people

Who have supported my journey



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