WATERS OF RECOVERY

I made this pilgrimage
I came to the sea seeking recovery
To this convening of addicts
Trying to change our patterns
Trying to recover

It is only April
The ocean is still cold
But I walked into her arms three times yesterday

I waded in with the dawn
Watching the sun rise through the lens of a fog
Dense mystical fog reverberating with ambient energy
I gazed into the miasma and conjured sacred visions

By twilight I danced with my shadow
I danced with the waves
Crashing tumultuous in the distance
Tides of recovery tugging gently on my feet
Insistent and compelling like this process

Reminding me of the power of the moon
The orb of emotion
In Scorpio like the sun when I was born
The moon’s gravity ruling these waters
Surging like a massive global organism

Each wave a fractal of ongoing evolution
Each wave a fractal of healing
Tides moving like deep and profound breaths
Waves cresting with kinetic orogenic potency

Last night I heard a man I don’t know speak
He told so much of my story
He shared the desperation of craving one more
The painful reality of using when he wanted it
And using even when he didn’t

I moved into water
My character defects on my mind
Resonating in my body
Resonating psychically

I came back to this healing ocean
Feeling the sharp cold of this water
Frigid filaments of magic tingling

Constellations unmasked by the sun’s absence
The moon in Pisces
Inviting exploration and transformation
Inviting faith–hope in things not seen
Conjuring the sorcery of emotional vulnerability

I have character defects that are categorically toxic
There is no acceptable form of manipulation or mendacity
Dishonesty as a toxic pathological monster
Predatory lust a demon demanding exorcism

But I also have strengths that become defects
Liabilities because I take them to self-centered extremes
Survival mechanisms in active addiction
Clinging to my reality like blood starved vampires

Charisma becomes performativity
Intellectual curiosity becomes arrogance
Empathy devolves into dissolution of healthy boundaries
Leaving me drained and so desperate for love

I open to my higher power working to heal me
I open this portal through what I do
I continually surrender
Recognizing my powerlessness
Over the disease of addiction

Seeking integrity and accountability
Amplifying sustainable empathy and psychic synergy
Seeking connection and spiritual resurrection
Rooting myself in the subterranean sinews of community

Yesterday I finally cried
Thinking of recently losing someone to addiction
I finally felt that cathartic grief
Expressing the pain lodged beneath

I cried for all the men I have lost to suicide or overdose
I cried thinking of myself jumping into the frozen Potomac River
So close to leaving my family emotionally lacerated
So close to leaving this plane of existence

I meditate while staring at this dark vista
Dark sky indistinguishable from black ocean
Feeling my lips vibrate as my conditioning loosens its grip
Feeling the waters of recovery flowing with the moon

I have a fierce chosen family
Sisters and brothers showing love on this path
I breathe with intention and joy
Realizing that so many of these addicts love me unconditionally
Realizing I am loved when I sound like a mess
Loved when I share the tendrils of shame
Reaching out from my cauterized chest

This is a vision without limits
Fanning the flames of recovery
This cathartic inferno of emotion rages like wildfire
Manifesting fractals of evolutionary intensity
Manifesting the blazing fire of a phoenix in flight

I grope for faith that I am enough just as I am
With myriad flaws I remain a miracle
My trauma and my psychic condition brand me a phoenix
Wounds become scars that heal
Bones break but grow back stronger

As I write the sun begins to rise
Deep autumnal hues spread across the horizon
My spirit moves with tides preparing to rise with the sun
Gathering strength to surrender to the necessity of vulnerability

I process my defects
Seeking rooted and grounded spirituality
Seeking serenity, reciprocity, and emotional honesty
Deepening and fortifying my belief in a power greater than me

A power that can restore me to sanity
The power that brought me here
Siphoned deep into these sacred waters of recovery

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2023