I made this pilgrimage

I came to the sea seeking recovery

To this convening of addicts

Trying to change our patterns

Trying to recover


It is only April

The ocean is still cold

But I walked into her arms three times yesterday


I waded in with the dawn

Watching the sun rise through the lens of a fog

Dense mystical fog reverberating with ambient energy

I gazed into the miasma and conjured sacred visions


By twilight I danced with my shadow

I danced with the waves

Crashing tumultuous in the distance

Tides of recovery tugging gently on my feet

Insistent and compelling like this process


Reminding me of the power of the moon

The orb of emotion

In Scorpio like the sun when I was born

The moon’s gravity ruling these waters

Surging like a massive global organism


Each wave a fractal of ongoing evolution

Each wave a fractal of healing

Tides moving like deep and profound breaths

Waves cresting with kinetic orogenic potency


Last night I heard a man I don’t know speak

He told so much of my story

He shared the desperation of craving one more

The painful reality of using when he wanted it

And using even when he didn’t


I moved into water

My character defects on my mind

Resonating in my body

Resonating psychically


I came back to this healing ocean

Feeling the sharp cold of this water

Frigid filaments of magic tingling


Constellations unmasked by the sun’s absence

The moon in Pisces

Inviting exploration and transformation

Inviting faith–hope in things not seen

Conjuring the sorcery of emotional vulnerability


I have character defects that are categorically toxic

There is no acceptable form of manipulation or mendacity

Dishonesty as a toxic pathological monster

Predatory lust a demon demanding exorcism


But I also have strengths that become defects

Liabilities because I take them to self-centered extremes

Survival mechanisms in active addiction

Clinging to my reality like blood starved vampires


Charisma becomes performativity

Intellectual curiosity becomes arrogance

Empathy devolves into dissolution of healthy boundaries

Leaving me drained and so desperate for love


I open to my higher power working to heal me

I open this portal through what I do

I continually surrender

Recognizing my powerlessness

Over the disease of addiction


Seeking integrity and accountability

Amplifying sustainable empathy and psychic synergy

Seeking connection and spiritual resurrection

Rooting myself in the subterranean sinews of community


Yesterday I finally cried

Thinking of recently losing someone to addiction

I finally felt that cathartic grief

Expressing the pain lodged beneath


I cried for all the men I have lost to suicide or overdose

I cried thinking of myself jumping into the frozen Potomac River

So close to leaving my family emotionally lacerated

So close to leaving this plane of existence


I meditate while staring at this dark vista

Dark sky indistinguishable from black ocean

Feeling my lips vibrate as my conditioning loosens its grip

Feeling the waters of recovery flowing with the moon


I have a fierce chosen family

Sisters and brothers showing love on this path

I breathe with intention and joy

Realizing that so many of these addicts love me unconditionally

Realizing I am loved when I sound like a mess

Loved when I share the tendrils of shame

Reaching out from my cauterized chest


This is a vision without limits

Fanning the flames of recovery

This cathartic inferno of emotion rages like wildfire

Manifesting fractals of evolutionary intensity

Manifesting the blazing fire of a phoenix in flight


I grope for faith that I am enough just as I am

With myriad flaws I remain a miracle

My trauma and my psychic condition brand me a phoenix

Wounds become scars that heal

Bones break but grow back stronger


As I write the sun begins to rise

Deep autumnal hues spread across the horizon

My spirit moves with tides preparing to rise with the sun

Gathering strength to surrender to the necessity of vulnerability


I process my defects

Seeking rooted and grounded spirituality

Seeking serenity, reciprocity, and emotional honesty

Deepening and fortifying my belief in a power greater than me


A power that can restore me to sanity

The power that brought me here

Siphoned deep into these sacred waters of recovery



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