RESURRECTION: a bypo journal

 

I am here

I should have died

 

I jumped from Key Bridge

Plummeting into the Potomac River

There was ice in the water

 

I should have died

 

I remember jumping

I remember a torrid confluence of emotion 

Misery, desperation, disconnection

 

Then I remember salvation

A man pulled me from the water

An ambulance arrived

 

In that past life

When I flew over that guard rail

I was not using

But I was still deeply unwell

 

Dead inside

Stupefied by overwhelming antipsychotics

Robbed of hope that we can change this world

 

Unmoved by the birth of my nephew

Pretending to be alive

Fabricating narratives

Imprisoned by shame about who I had become

 

Cavities in my spirit

Where my sacred creativity had thrived

Cavities in my soul

 

Lurching from protracted depression

I reverted to active addiction

Believing that using was my destiny

That being alive meant being high

 

Intoxicated by drug-induced visions

I saw divine artistry in fractals of psychotic chaos

 

I live with a multifaceted disease

The toxicity of addiction

The perilous extremes of the manic-depressive spectrum

Compulsivity,  impulsivity, self-absorption

 

But I find balance

I am healing

I am here

 

I create in new ways

I show love with ferocity

As if my life depends on it

Because it does

 

When I talk about suicide

People get uncomfortable

Not knowing what to say

Not knowing how to embrace our shared humanity

 

Today, I am clean

My life full of joy

Days pulsate with love

 

Ten years later

I honor my salvation as resurrection

Saved from a catastrophic end

I feel a deep sense of purpose

Permeated by a potent desire to serve

 

Life is rich and beautiful

My infinitely loving family

Friends and family in recovery

Communities striving for collective liberation

Passion for my profession

Passion to create

 

This is resurrection

We can survive psychic demons

We can liberate and transform

 

Imagining harmony and connection

Fortifying community

I conjure my spiritual prophecy

Manifesting evolution and revolution

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2024