CUNNING ENEMY

i am only forty-one, but addiction has been a cunning enemy of my life for at least three decades
at first compulsive sexual stimulation and fantasy
but also a foundational addiction to the power of intellect and self will

while my head branded me an atheist, my heart and soul kept me connected to the potent synergy of spirituality
in dance and performance with my black sisters and brothers, i felt the fire of blood memory–the power of creative expression to transcend

over time i experimented with substances–by my early twenties i was a high-functioning alcoholic
managing to perform as a political organizer and graduate student
while often starting the consumption of my first cosmopolitan at two in the afternoon

eventually i found cocaine and all bets were off
my mind had found her master

the all-encompassing flood of dopamine was intoxicating
blinding me to the precipitous pace at which i was losing control of my thinking and my life…

ultimately i came into recovery paralyzed and mortified by the evidence of acute sexual harm that i caused while using and mixing  inappropriate and manipulative sexual patterns with substances

i didn’t know where i wanted my life to go–but i knew that radical transformation was imperative…

addiction is a cunning enemy for so many reasons
one being that it masquerades as this superfly fur coat you can wear to the dopest club in town

addiction sneaks up on you
you feel you are in control until you realize that you are in the prison of insane patterns
you feel you are in control until addiction reaches up to strangle your neck in the vice-grip of a suicide in slow motion…

but there is hope: in recovery we keep each other sane, clean, and serene one day at a time
most of the time there are acute mental health challenges at the root of why we use
or, if this is not true, we may have issues arising from our years of using

i have learned to listen to my higher power
and my karmic goddess tells me that facilitating the fusion of the best insights of psychiatry and psychology, with both the wisdom of recovery and the matrix of intersectional politics of liberation is part of the work i am called to do

today i tell this demonic cunning enemy to fuck off
because i am obeying spiritual forces not the diseased thought patterns of addiction

this demon may be the most cunning enemy of life known to humankind
but spirituality, transcendent love, and the power of solidarity can keep us sane
one eye-opening and inspiring day at a time

both images are by the amazingly talented SLAVA MOGUTIN >> on IG: @slavamogutin

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2020