INTROSPECTION

my eyes were first met by visions when i was 25
psychic angels connecting smoke and light–earth, body, and sky

floridly manic i flew through central park imagining myself as a primal hunter gatherer
felt time slow then accelerate
i felt my power
i imagined a destiny beyond time
beyond the parameters of our earthly condition
i felt an all encompassing strength
both subterranean and cosmic–in every sinew of muscle along my spine…

i knew there had to be other aspiring jedi among us but i didn’t really know where to look
diagnosed two years and several arrests later as manic depressive i felt sudden kinship with many in my family
my mother’s mother harriet–dead by suicide before i was born
my father’s sister and a growing handful of cousins
in my organizing and activism i found support–ways of channeling energy and insight into relationships and movement…

we must inquire as a species about the double-edged character of psychosocial instability
about the reckoning with mental health and the demons of mental illness

if these beasts were only malignant pathology natural selection would have rooted them out generations ago
but the ailments carouse and multiply
psychiatry’s bible–the diagnostic and statistical manual–grows fatter with every passing decade
and there is a documented host of phenomenally creative intelligent and inspired individuals who have had profound impact on our world while living with a diagnosis

i grow more and more convinced that there is cosmic truth in most of our visions
the din of voices clamoring in the heads of those living with schizophrenia may be divine whispers guiding our troubled species towards greater connection with alternate realities

we are x-men–mutants arising to destroy the matrix
we are the freemen of dune working for the overthrow of our newly anointed god-emperor
black and brown–trans and queer–claiming power and taking space

on reflection it occurs to me that all of our great prophets would be confined to psych wards or imprisoned if they were alive today
what but the seismic force of mania could convince a rational human that they had seen angels or gods who demanded that they speak their truths to the world

our understanding of the brain is still in its infancy
our species must evolve or it will die
we are faced with cataclysmic politics
our economic and social system is on a perilous collision course with the fundamental equilibria demanded by our planet

resistance is growing but the road ahead will be long and hard
psychosocial crisis–pervasive anxiety fear and depression–emanate from the crucible of our existential dilemma

breathe deep and meditate
find your power and copulate
let the flames of rebellion build hope pride and comradery in the face of a proto-nazi regime

i have traveled through chaos and despair
love and heartbreak
flirted with the menacing cliff of suicide
but i have always listened and learned

there are forces in our universe that can embolden us to build a future shaped by love
grounded in solidarity
and permeated by justice

breathe deep and feel the power of your inner god
breathe out and feel the energy connecting your mind to the sun moon and stars
we are not alone in this universe
and if we claim our social and spiritual power we can still win

its been thirteen years since my first manic episode and i am still processing its lessons
let us eradicate the stigma that keeps us from crafting solutions to our collective pain
time is short
we evolve and resist
reimagining revolution and rebuilding social power

if we fail there will be no future for our race on this earth
we need the visionary optimism of the will paired with the sober pessimism of the intellect
destiny awaits
and the revenge of history could be a new dawn of possibility for the human imagination

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2016 >>> primary image by Favianna Rodriguez: @favianna >> favianna.com