RESURRECTION: a bypo journal

I am here
I should have died

I jumped from Key Bridge
Plummeting into the Potomac River
There was ice in the water

I should have died
But I am here

I remember jumping
I remember a torrid confluence of emotion 
Misery, desperation, disconnection

Then I remember salvation
A man pulled me from the water
An ambulance arrived

In that past life
When I flew over that guard rail
I was not using
But I was still deeply unwell

Dead inside
Stupefied by overwhelming antipsychotics
Robbed of hope that we can change this world

Unmoved by the birth of my nephew
Pretending to be alive
Fabricating narratives
Imprisoned by shame about who I had become

Cavities in my spirit
Where my sacred creativity had thrived
Cavities in my soul

Lurching from protracted depression
I reverted to active addiction
Believing that using was my destiny
That being alive meant being high

Intoxicated by drug-induced visions
I saw divine artistry in fractals of psychotic chaos

I live with a multifaceted disease
The toxicity of addiction
The perilous extremes of the manic-depressive spectrum
Compulsivity,  impulsivity, self-absorption

But I find balance
I am healing
I am here

I create in new ways
I show love with ferocity
As if my life depends on it
Because it does

When I talk about suicide
People get uncomfortable
Not knowing what to say
Not knowing how to embrace our shared humanity

Today, I am clean
My life full of joy
Days pulsate with love

Ten years later
I honor my salvation as resurrection
Saved from a catastrophic end
I feel a deep sense of purpose
Permeated by a potent desire to serve

Life is rich and beautiful
My infinitely loving family
Friends and family in recovery
Communities striving for collective liberation
Passion for my profession
Passion to create

This is resurrection
We can survive psychic demons
We can liberate and transform

Imagining harmony and connection
Fortifying community
I conjure my spiritual prophecy
Manifesting evolution and revolution

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2024