CLEAN DATE: a bypo journal

February 26th
Is just a date
A marker in time
An outpost amidst psychic wildlings

For me it is my clean date
Today—my two year anniversary
Two years without drugs, including alcohol
Two years of recovery
Two years of spiritual growt

The valence of my mental oscillations is manageable
I am more stable and connected than I have been in decades

I want to celebrate
For this is a marker of which I am proud

But I also want to be honest
Honest about where I am
Honest about where I need to grow

Without recovery
So much of what is positive in my life
Would have been stillborn

I could have remained trapped
Locked in webs of delusion
Continuing to cause harm in my communities
Chained to compulsion and self-absorption

But I am two years clean
And I work to deepen my practice of radical honesty
To shed insecure performative habits

To free my psyche
From the nagging cries
Of a demanding inconsolable inner child

I have changed my patterns
Correcting destructive tendencies
Attempting to atone, apologize, and make amends

I have found so much beauty on this path
The empathy and emotional generosity
From fellow recovering addicts

Rooted but flexible spiritual principles
Principles I can live within
Principles whose parameters I can apply

I have found sacred community
A community of unconditional love
Mirroring and amplifying my blood family
In intentionality and penetrating insight

So this is my clean date
Exactly one week after my father’s birthday
Exactly two weeks after my parents’ anniversary
I pray that my date can be as fixed as these others

I continue to believe that my god is in the noticing
My higher power speaks
In simple moments of natural brilliance
Suggesting direction through voices I trust
And often through voices I resist

I am humbled by this process
Grateful to my higher power
And in debt to so many people
Who have supported my journey

–BYPO PHOENIX c)2022