I am here
I should have died
I jumped from Key Bridge
Plummeting into the Potomac River
There was ice in the water
I should have died
But I am here
I remember jumping
I remember a torrid confluence of emotion
Misery, desperation, disconnection
Then I remember salvation
A man pulled me from the water
An ambulance arrived
In that past life
When I flew over that guard rail
I was not using
But I was still deeply unwell
Dead inside
Stupefied by overwhelming antipsychotics
Robbed of hope that we can change this world
Unmoved by the birth of my nephew
Pretending to be alive
Fabricating narratives
Imprisoned by shame about who I had become
Cavities in my spirit
Where my sacred creativity had thrived
Cavities in my soul
Lurching from protracted depression
I reverted to active addiction
Believing that using was my destiny
That being alive meant being high
Intoxicated by drug-induced visions
I saw divine artistry in fractals of psychotic chaos
I live with a multifaceted disease
The toxicity of addiction
The perilous extremes of the manic-depressive spectrum
Compulsivity, impulsivity, self-absorption
But I find balance
I am healing
I am here
I create in new ways
I show love with ferocity
As if my life depends on it
Because it does
When I talk about suicide
People get uncomfortable
Not knowing what to say
Not knowing how to embrace our shared humanity
Today, I am clean
My life full of joy
Days pulsate with love
Ten years later
I honor my salvation as resurrection
Saved from a catastrophic end
I feel a deep sense of purpose
Permeated by a potent desire to serve
Life is rich and beautiful
My infinitely loving family
Friends and family in recovery
Communities striving for collective liberation
Passion for my profession
Passion to create
This is resurrection
We can survive psychic demons
We can liberate and transform
Imagining harmony and connection
Fortifying community
I conjure my spiritual prophecy
Manifesting evolution and revolution
–BYPO PHOENIX c)2024
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