toxic emotions

32 posts

DISSECTING REJECTION

  I am a lonely soul Heartbeat slow and cold In my rejection I am alone Toxic fear holds the throne   We write by this fire Spirit dissatisfied and weary Fear is duality Both captor and protector   I fear my desires Ashamed of this lust My passion is […]

RESURRECTION: a bypo journal

  I am here I should have died   I jumped from Key Bridge Plummeting into the Potomac River There was ice in the water   I should have died   I remember jumping I remember a torrid confluence of emotion  Misery, desperation, disconnection   Then I remember salvation A […]

EMBODIED VULNERABILITY

Connecting with you is like fire Generative Powerful and moving Pulsating with platonic attraction Remembering what it feels like for a boy   We live as men Disconnected from our feelings Disembodied Enslaved by subterranean emotions   We cover our fear with anger We ignore deeply rooted shame Hiding our […]

GOTHIC ANGEL

Eyes wide open Eyes wide shut You look deep within Extending your trust   Opening my mind to new culture To the zeitgeist of the moment Grounding me in the present Rooted in the path we have chosen   I call you gothic angel You are a protege of prophecy […]

LIBATIONS FOR AN ADDICT

This is raw emotion Barely processed reflexive emotion Feelings swimming amidst violent cliffs Lurching in divergent directions Seeking cathartic expression Seeking connection   We loved you We loved you fiercely If only you could have felt the joy of you The humility and vulnerability The visceral presence of connection   […]

RESILIENCE

I see fire in this painting Strength born from pain I see resilience and perseverance   I see the resurgent power of creation Power to remold fate Rivers of color modulate Churning with the resilience of imagination   I feel my own journey of recovery Reflected in viscous paint So […]

REMIND ME TO FORGET

Memories Haunting me Leaving me No air to breathe   Destiny Mystery Haunting me Taunting me   I come to write I come to witness Hundreds of birds Flocking to the sun The day has begun Mind and body are one   I feel deep pain Reverberating inside I wish […]

VANGUARD GRAFFITI

Colors connive as spirits revive We are shackled by trauma locked deep inside We heal from our pasts and rebuild our lives The rhythms of recovery dance and collide   This magical orange suggests hope and liberation Love and trust reopen gates of imagination We find joy in eye contact: […]

TRIFECTA FIERCE

  three sensuous bodies: three celestial auras–we aspire to cosmic connection to honor the rebels who came before us… we crave dance floors so fierce that the reigning divas will come to adore us–we crave intimacy and emotional resonance over the addictive forces that long to control us… this is […]

TRYING NOT TO FALL

if you see me leave early or hesitate to make eye contact if i seem reticent to express too much affection that’s just me trying not to fall in love again if i appear caught up in my head stuck between worlds and moments afraid of my deepest self and […]

RADIANT ROOTS

i imagine myself bathed in light–or held in a luxurious and potent embrace…i imagine myself protected by a force field from the terrifying vicissitudes of late stage proto-fascist capitalism–protected by the love of my pixie from the major and minor terrors of our world…its been a difficult few months, but […]

AN INTRUSION OF GREY

alone with my emotions, i am wracked by malaise—i contend with my demons clothed in varied shades of grey…i summon my defenses from near and far away–i imagine a present moment where i don’t yearn for what i crave…after two years living on dopamine, i am due for a course […]

HEXAGONS OF BABYLON

hexagons and lexicons—digging deep and dropping bombs…striving for freedom singing songs—crafting a future that is just beyond…orchestrate and stimulate—try to never prevaricate…build a bridge from satan’s gate—copulate and demonstrate…species rise and evolve or die—empires fall when the enslaved arise…corporate power quakes inside—when we build power and organize…branded backs and sculpted […]

GHOSTS: a riff on the emotional subterranean

echoes of emotion transgress my heart and mind—i feel currents of suppressed attraction in confluence deep inside….the erratic logic of passion convolutes and overflows—i struggle with conflicting desires contorting my soul…like a ghost your words still haunt me—conjuring aspirations long buried deep…visions of angels consume my whole body—hoping my confusion […]

A SURVIVOR’S MANIFESTO

its been more than three years since i jumped off key bridge—almost ending a life that at the time felt so tortured…never consciously suicidal i was caught in a visceral panic attack following a dream that felt like a premonition of a torturous shift at the georgetown establishment known as […]

KARMIC INSURGENCY

  whose streets—our streets—so said the cops while suppressing speech…black lives on trial—neo-nazis on the rise—such a toxic miasma of moribund white pride…a US base on holy land—a criminal alliance—suppressing palestinian dreams—a magnet for arab defiance…our world grows smaller—and increasingly imperiled—climate change is threatening—our social system is sterile…its time to […]

RITES OF FIRE: pyrotechnic meditation

we are slaves to technology—and to the class in control…we transcribe a new pedagogy—reclaiming the creative human soul…the ancient rites of fire deserve a postmodern rebirth…fire destroys but it also gives birth…i meditate to flames fueled by wax and harder drugs—i will my mind to find peace—to look inward and […]

RADICAL EXORCISM

praying for love and praying for peace—praising the sun and craving relief…we have miscreants in power—sowing seeds of social death…we must resist in this crucial hour—fighting with every sinew and every breath…its time to exorcise the demons of white supremacy…time to heal the historic wounds of genocide and slavery…the patriarchal […]

KING OF RAGE

ANGEL OR DEMON DEVIL OR SAINT YOU TAKE WHAT YOU WANT RAGE RULES YOUR BRAIN LIKE A MONSTER YOU KILL DISMEMBERING YOUR CROWN CONSUMING YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP DESECRATING SACRED GROUND NARCISSISTIC AND HATEFUL LOST INSIDE YOUR HEAD FOREVER A VICTIM SO RARELY A FRIEND EACH TIME HOPE RETURNS YOU REMIND […]

IMMORTALIZED: a tribute to Gil Scott-Heron

love and rage took the stage speaking truth eschewing fame inscribing pain abusing veins rebel poet living wraith harlem streets never clean seductive highs pure dopamine kick it quit it never sticking rhyme and rhythm ever kicking shining star badly scarred edge of glory gone too far science dropping never […]

A MONSTA RIFF

Monster boy ate my heart Ate my love tore it apart Left me dancing in the dark Bathed in tears like noah’s ark Ate my heart then ate my brain Took my love and gave me pain Sucked my blood and made it rain Cold case love gone insane Te […]

THE SORDID ARCHITECTURE OF URBAN HIEROGLYPHICS

solitude and loneliness make me miss raw happiness angels and demons blood spit and semen pirates and conquistadors show me what pain is for digging in but holding on trying hard but being wrong its a song not a sin lots of gin with oxygen dialectic catalytic preorgasmic analytic cold […]

AGENTS OF KARMA

In the beginning was the word And the word was death Or maybe life or death to all life And ADAMA was born Toy soldier of divine clay Neither man nor woman just fine in its way ADAMA was cleaved in two by fire Lightning strike from Zeus on high […]

Contending with Grey

i feel grey creeping in again melancholy next of kin solitude breeding sin isolation sinking in i long for something visceral to rouse my pulse and shake my skull to give me something new to say respite to pain so dull and grey the world feels bleak and devestating my […]

DEEP

You are in deep I can’t shake you You have power You probably don’t even want I rise and fall To the erratic rhythm Of your exhalation An absent glance Sends shivers of pain Racing through my veins Nerves taut I try to breathe And let go But the roots […]

ADDICTION

Its as easy To abuse a person As to abuse a substance To become addicted To a particular prism Through which to view oneself I breathe deeply And try to let go Of the compulsion I feel To connect incessantly And learn to carve independent space For my own thoughts […]